Baggage

Doesn't it always seem like characters on television with "baggage" get to move on once they've talked about it? They make some sort of emotional breakthrough followed by tears, hugs, and things starting to mend. I'm clear on the fact that things depicted on Private Practice aren't exactly factual. It's just how I expect it to be.

Talking about unpleasant things does make things feel better, right? I feel like it does. Verbalizing the trauma releases something. It releases that feeling in my chest, that weight. Why, then, do I have residual "baggage"? Why, after all the talking, expressing, searching...why do I still feel...ashamed? I'm not even sure if that's the right word. It's guilt, or something like it. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist. Maybe just telling isn't enough to deal with everything.

I'd really hate to think that being molested as a child has to haunt me until the day I die. I mean, I'm thirty. It's been twenty-two years, and I have daily reminders of the damage done to me all that time ago. Done to me. I know I was a victim.

Fault does not lie with me, I know. I tell myself that I was too young to understand what was going on. But why do I tell myself that at all?! It's like deep down I think it was my fault. Somewhere deep down I must believe that I'm somehow guilty. I should have told someone. I should have known what was happening was evil, and screamed my lungs out. Instead, I what? Zoned out? Didn't understand? Buried it?

I blocked it out for eleven years. Whatever that means. I understand that it was something unintentional that took place in my brain, and it happened as a way to cope. I know that, and I'm thankful that I've dealt as well as I have. I'm actually a happy person. I'm married, have friends, and do what I love every day. Still, though, I feel like blocking it out hindered me from making it stop.

My abuse started when I was around three years old, and it stopped somewhere around eight. That's when my mother and I moved ten or so hours away. I have no idea how many others were hurt in all that time, besides me, because I unconsciously shoved what was happening to me into a dark corner of my head.

Maybe talking about it helps let off pressure, but it just builds back up over time. I just keep hoping and praying that this "baggage" will one day be lost in transit.

How Can Anyone Walk on Water, If They Won't Get Their Butt Out the Boat?

Anybody out there? It's been a long time since I was in a sharing mood, and I feel as if I should apologize for that. I allowed blogging to become just another place that I couldn't speak my mind. I'm not proud of that, and am in the process of changing it.

I've worked for the same nonprofit for over five years, and I've been unhappy with my working situation for around two of those.

If any of my faithful few are still out there, you may recall me blogging about landing a better paying job, giving my notice and leaving in 2009. You might also remember me spending one day on the new job, before crawling back to what I knew. What you won't remember are all of the feelings I never expressed, because I knew my boss read my blog.

Well, I went back to the old nonprofit job thinking I hadn't had it so bad after all. My paycheck wasn't a hefty one, but I was doing something good there. Believing if I just did my job to the best of my ability, I could put up with my boss not respecting me. I also thought I could handle snide remarks and nasty jokes at my expense, and rude comments about others...

I realize now that I have spent about three of the past five years just waiting. I've been waiting for something to change for me. Finally, I realized that I had to be that change. I've learned that we can't expect the constants around us to vary. We have to be the variables.

So...I quit my job last week. Live and learn, right? I'm taking a little time off, before I start looking for something else, and am not-so-secretly hoping that my artwork will make me a rich woman.

In the meantime...

Nothing but blue skies from now on. ^_^

Take The Cake

The always sincere Melanie gave me a Happy Award a while back, and I truly appreciate it. Seriously, Mel. *mwah*

I'm tellin' ya, I'm just amazed at how many awesome people I've met through blogging, some actually and some figuratively. Communication and relationships have always enthralled me, but you guys take the cake.

Okay, the deal is, if you don't already know, anyone given this particular award has to list ten things that make them happy. Then they get to pass it along to up to ten other bloggers. Here goes some of my happies...

1. Certain smells and sounds bring me a lot of joy. My absolute favorites? Puppy breath, wiggles and grunts.

2. Campfires thrill my soul from start to finish. They have a life of their own, and mesmerize me.

3. Driving along country roads with no apparent destination, windows down, playing in the wind.

4. Silkie chicken hineys. They're just so darn fluffy.

5. Answered prayers, and just knowing God is there, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

6. Night swimming makes me feel really, really alive.

7. Lightning bugs are magic, and make me feel like a little girl with no worries. I heart bioluminescence.

8. Pinwheels have always brought me joy. I mean, what kid doesn't love a shiny, blowy pinwheel? As an adult (of sorts), I love how they show evidence of something unseen.

9. Family resemblances have probably been mentioned here on Mimsy before, but they're worth mentioning again. My family may not be the closest, and I may not know my father very well, but I look like him. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I belong.

10. Otters holding hands. 'Nough said.

Now, for passing this thing on...I'm not going to choose ten bloggers, though I can definitely think of ten of you that make me happy. Today, I'm sticking with several lovely ladies that I've just realized have quite a few things in common.

Shannon - Shannon & her HB may not live next door, and I may have only met them once, but I simply adore them. We share a love for life that pretty much links you instantly. Thank you, Shannon, for being YOU, and for making my blog so incredibly ME. I love it, and you. Can't wait to see you guys again.

Ari - I don't even know where to start with this one. For anyone who doesn't know, we met when we were fourteen, at a mutual friend's birthday bash. We lost touch for a few years, met again in college, and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. She's my creative partner in crime, and we're seriously thick as thieves. We share so much of our lives, and I don't know (or want to know) what I would do without her. Love you, my little prickly pear!

HisDaughter - This little lady amazes me in lots of ways, especially with her mad mommy skillz. I've only met her a couple times now, but I know she's making a difference in people's lives everyday. She's refreshing and alive, and I just smile thinking of her. We have to hang out soon, lovely lady!

Madam Rasberry - I've talked about the soul mateness before here, in case anyone gets confused. She's my soul mate, and my oldest friend. We are part of each other, and just the thought of her makes me...all kinds of emotions, and happy is definitely in there. I love you, friend.

I may love them for different reasons, but they're all A-dorable, loving, sincere, bright, creative (Yes, Jodi, you are creative.), fun, and madly in love with their canine counterparts (Again, Jodi, Dixie counts for you.). Didn't know you had so much in common, did you? Hmmm...I think I may have inadvertently discovered the secret to making me adore someone...

Beautimus

I love Sufjan Stevens. Do you love Sufjan Stevens? Yes, of course you do. And I love his version of "Come Thou Fount". Love it. You can love it, too! It's not a very impressive video, but it's all I had time to find. Enjoy.



P.S. Be expecting an update on the gloriousness that is Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. Going tonight with a variety of wondermous people. Squee!